LOST IN CYBERSPACE: Boris Johnson has officially declared the ‘pingdemic’ to be a thing of the past. He has issued an instruction to all government ministers to keep their phones on silent.
“No pings, no pingdemic,” asserted government spokesdwarf Cora Lunesberg. “Boris has, once again, taken control in magnificent fashion. He has shown himself to be the greatest leader since Churchill, possibly of all time. So manly, so masterful… excuse me, I think I need a change of underwear.”
It’s actually a double masterstroke. By muting notifications, ministers may legitimately claim ignorance of the coordinated messaging being issued under the radar.
“This is totally normal in a modern, functioning administration,” claimed a suitably refreshed Lunesberg. “Boris is a safe pair of wandering hands, they can wander my way any time, I would love one of his double masterstrokes… excuse me again.”
“Ping!”
“Oh, that’s mine!” gushed Lunesberg. “I hope it’s the time of our next, erm, secret briefing session… no, erm… ‘Talk about the vaccines.’ Damn. Look, I need to nip to the Ladies quickly…”
Obviously the message hasn’t quite got through yet. This is not surprising, given that the Chinese whizz kids formerly employed to manage MPs’ phones have all fled the hostile environment.
“Get yourself jabbed if you haven’t had the vaccination yet,” continued a still slightly flustered Lunesberg. “And then get yourself jabbed again, once is never enough, Boris can jab me any time he wants to, I need all the vaccines I can get…”
At this point the goons protecting Lunesberg decided that enough was enough. They escorted her to the Palace of Westminster to administer a cold shower.
As usual, an announcement has been made with absolutely no thought about how it would have to be carried out.
Ignorance of the law is no defence. Unless, ironically, if you are in charge of making those very laws.