CHAOS WITH ED : Encouraging news today that Downing Street is serious about making Global Britain the tech hub of the future with the announcement the UK Government is investing in a new app.
The app, which is being developed by a vigorous startup located near Barnard Castle, is not cheap. It is only available as a subscription model and the sub is £350m per week. Ministers have described the cost as “value for money” as it will save the UK criminal justice system hundreds of millions.
“It will become pointless to ask for the phones of Ministers during corruption investigations,” a gleeful Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Sure, have the phone, there’s nothing on it! Don’t waste your time and our money digging about. Spend those limited resources on pursuing a family trying to decide if they should heat or eat for non-payment of council tax.”
The name of the app will get everyone excited too as it is very now.
“Burner is being developed at breakneck speed because we’re in a crisis,” the source adds. “As such voters can be proud their government is throwing the kitchen sink at it. You should be, it’s your kitchen sink.”
The app won’t be available for use by the general public.
“That’s a necessary limitation because if the general public starts deleting their messages as they hit send then it will make criminal justice proceedings virtually impossible in many scenarios.”
The only potential snag is that Burner will only delete messages on the sender’s phone, not the receiver’s.
“I wouldn’t worry about that. We’re developing a different app for that called ‘If I Go Down You’re Coming With Me’.”
Once Burner is released the team behind it will begin working on ‘BackBurner’, an extension to Burner which deletes Minister’s messages the moment they think them. It is believed had the apps been developed sooner it would have saved David Cameron a world of trouble over the Greensill saga, and certain key government figures under investigation currently.
“You’ll know the app is installed on a minister’s phone as its icon will be a crying/laughing face emoji in a shower of money.”