THE PARTY OF BUSINESS : Mr Fitshammon Jammon, the former Tory Party MP for Buckleys (2015-2017) has been revealed as the UK’s latest instant multi-millionaire.
Mr Jammon was expected to drift into the wilderness, never to be seen again, when he stood down after a brief stint in parliament to “spend more time with his families”, but he’s back centre stage right when his country called.
It seems while lesser mortals from the famous old party of business were filling their boots via contracts for dodgy PPE Fitshammon was eyeing a bigger prize.
“I was doing my research while others were fantasising about Brussels begging for access to London’s financial centre, post Brexit,” the cashed up golden boy told LCD Views. “Many on the extremes of politics, such as my former colleagues, label anti-Brexit websites as essentially conspiracy pages full of fantasists, but I had an inkling (after spending thirty seconds on Google researching the structure of U.K. supply chains) that there was gold in them thar hills! Or rather, on the motorways.”
While officially Mr Jammon agrees with the government line; that the shortage of HGV drivers is caused by EU drivers not wanting their phones to ping, but Mr Jammon doesn’t really care what anyone thinks.
“I’ve stockpiled tens of thousands of HGV drivers just waiting for the fulfilment of Priti Patel’s dream of ending freedom of movement. Now it’s pay day.”
And what a pay day it is. The ex MP is said to have landed in the region of £204m thanks to the penalty clause free contract he signed after phoning the government’s VIP line.
But when can anxious Britons expect to see his drivers on the motorways getting that product to British supermarkets?
“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mr Jammon chortles. “I’ve adhered to the same rigorous standards set for the PPE. Basically I’ve written down tens of thousands of names I made up on pieces of paper and handed it over to the relevant minister. No one cares. The only outcome prized by Johnson’s government is moving public cash into private pockets.”
But while this is just business as usual for Brexit Britain, that’s not the whole story.
“Okay, there is one driver. It’s my old school mate Squiggy. As soon as his suspension for dangerous driving is finished he’ll drive any truck you want anywhere you want it to go. Now if you’ve don’t mind I’ve a Georgian Manor to buy. Or maybe three!”