EAR TO THE TRACKS : The United Kingdom’s parliament is to debate today what to do about thirsty and hungry foreigners.
Clearly Global Britons do not want foreign types turning up on their green and pleasant land. We go there to look at them as we please, but it’s not done for them to come here. It’s about place in the natural order of the world. Indeed, the cosmos.
“It’s a bit rum for anyone to think they can just turn up at your door and walk right into your home,” the Tory MP for Fhatfharce-on-Phlegm will say.
“In the days of the Empire foreign types only came to England when we invited them by slapping a pair of manacles on them and transporting them at Her Majesty’s leisure to be gawked at by the metropolitan elite. What for Brexit if not to keep people out?”
Good question.
“This is the problem with the foreign aid budget. It just fills up bellies and gives these cunning chaps enough energy to cross the Sahara, navigate the slave markets of Libya, book passage with a tour operator to cross the Mediterranean before waltzing through Europe and swimming the English Channel. You should see the size of their forearms by the time they arrive! Terrifying. And once they get here? Well, the same lack of ambition that drove them in the first place will soon see them lazing about a holiday camp in Kent. I will be voting to end foreign aid to stop people fleeing British made munitions once and for all!”
While these arguments for spending less overseas on the needy are obvious, what to replace the foreign aid with is more ticklish.
“It’s quite simple,” the Tory MP for Nostalgia and Property will explain, “we give the foreigners a recorded speech about the benefits of the British Empire. Once they are reminded of the industry of their ancestors who built all those railways, under the sensible direction of Englishmen, they will feel inspired to set to the rubble of their homes and rebuild. There really is no reason for anyone to risk offending patriotic British voters by turning up at our home.”
Global Britain – it’s only for Brits, and maybe not even them.