THE FOOL UNDER WATER : While those who would live under a nanny state are busying themselves wondering how to catch up lost school time for the nation’s pupils, and achieving nothing, the Prime Minister is already inaction.
“Two birds with one stone,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’s what the PM has called his plan to sort out the lagging attainment levels in the English school system. We had to do something, the last Labour government has made such a god awful mess of this pandemic. It’s been much more severe and lasted a hell of a lot longer than it needed to. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for. Happily Mr Johnson has now taken personal control.”
The solution is double pronged and takes advantage of the natural, societal education system which exists within the country by default.
“We have the University of Life already. Sadly many younger people seem keen to avoid this famous British education system, even though there’s a campus on most English high streets.”
The source is of course referring to the thousands of outlets of Wetherspoons pubs.
“Tim Martin has been moaning at the PM about lost profits and missing staff. That’s the second bird in the one stone strategy. All school age children from infants to secondary will be given a £50 voucher to spend at Wetherspoons. This will allow them to catch up on the most important curriculum of all, life, and boost Mr Martin’s flagging profits. If there’s insufficient staff at any campus, due to Europeans being famously workshy, the students can pour their own pints thus gaining valuable work experience in the only industry guaranteed to survive Brexit. Pubs.”
Questions regarding what to do with students reluctant to attend catch up lessons on Wetherspoons campuses are also easily answered.
“We’re planning to reintroduce national service to ensure there’s a surplus in the soft fruit picking labour market. This can be extended to working in Martin’s pubs also. Mr Johnson really has thought of everything. When it comes to paying back supporters of Brexit no expense is spared.”