NAMING AND SHAMING : Relief for viral superstar Dido Harding today after Downing Street took a sweeping hand to her obliterated reputation and swept all the pieces into a corner.
“The Prime Minister has his arts and crafts supplies out and he’s going to repair Dido’s rep out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.
The exact reason for the heavy damage to Ms Harding’s world beating reputation as a pandemic bloodhound wasn’t made clear.
“Given that the U.K. only has one of the worst death rates on the planet, is still in the grip of an active pandemic in year three, is now seeing the Indian variant rip and it’s thought the privatised test and trace service is in part to blame, we’re a bit baffled why she isn’t now a national hero.”
Keen minds are wondering though if the £37bn spent on the service with Tory friendly companies, with no track record in the field, maybe to blame?
“Yes. Obviously we were a bit squeezed for funding when setting up the monumental smash and grab on the treasury. There were so many mouths to feed at the time. So many hands in the post. PPE contracts can set you back hundreds of millions alone. We should have spent more. That’s now obvious. I blame the public sector. If the local health assets had bothered to nail planks of wood across people’s doors and trap them inside for two weeks minimum, well we wouldn’t have had a pandemic at all.”
The Prime Minister is expected to repair all this though by making Ms Harding a new title for her faulty, cash haemorrhaging service.
“He’s breaking down the wine crates as we speak. He will affix some back together in a rough panel and paint ‘Great British Test and Trace Service’ across them. That’ll be it. Sorted by his third brunch today.”
The revamp is expected to cost an additional £37bn.