MODEL BEHAVIOUR : The UK’s favourite and most photogenic Chancellor ever, Rishi Sunak, has been missing for a few weeks now leading to speculation he has something to hide. We’re happy to reveal it’s for a much more positive purpose.
“He’s been in the studio working on a calendar,” a source inside 11 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “A swimsuit calendar to be precise. He designed the budgie smugglers himself. Special editions that allow you to text with former prime ministers while you stand heroically on the beach being admired for being just so dishy!”
But it’s not just the smugglers that are set to wow the public, even if continuously lax customs procedures for imports post Brexit means it’s a boom time for them.
“He’s also handstitched his own mankini. Eat your heart out Borat!”
The proceeds from the sale of the calendars will go towards a charity of the Chancellor’s choosing, believed to be one focused on restoring the Conservative Party’s credibility. A lot of money is needed.
“Everyone will have one of these Rishi’s hanging on their wall. I suspect he will go global, just like the Kent variant. When you consider his outstanding work with Eat Out To Help Out, it’s only fair. Not to mention the hundreds of millions that were found to help out old colleagues and friends. Really stellar work.”
The calendars won’t just be available online either, they’ll be in all high street newsagents, able to purchased at a discount with copies of the Spectator. That’s for the first week, after that they’ll be retailing at 99p each in Poundstores. Everyone will have their chance!
“You think he’s missing because of the Greensill scandal? Don’t be silly. He’s just getting his hair done. He’ll be photographed looking immaculate on your kitchen wall before long. Which will look a damn sight better than his somewhat shop soiled reputation.”
Rishi? Where would the pandemic have been without his widely reported intervention to delay the second national lockdown last September?
The calendar will be limited in months though, only featuring June to August this year, as “that’s about the time left for his political career.”