VIRTUE FLAGGING: Government offices must fly the Union Jack because some of them have forgotten who they are working for. Not the Russians, but the People’s Reputation of Boris Johnson.
Any offices flying the flag at half mast will be jailed for 10 years under the new peaceful protest regulations.
Accordingly, many government offices now have their own Flag And Patriotism Commander. But up and down the country, these Commanders are realising that their existing flag is either too moth-eaten, too out of date, or simply too small to be patriotic enough. So many new flags have been ordered.
This is causing massive problems. Instead of working together (this is far too socialist to be contemplated under the current regime), each town hall, tax office, and job centre must source its own flag.
Unfortunately the nearest flag manufacturer is in Poland. This adds third country VAT and surcharges to the price, and 76595234896 pages of documentation to complete in triplicate. Also, no reputable EU carrier is willing to deliver a few paltry flags to insignificant outposts of government on Plague Island.
In desperation, many Commanders have turned to smugglers for help. Newly skint expats in Spain order the flags, and receive them a couple of days later. They are shipped to Ireland under the Jolly Roger, then ferried to Holyhead under cover of darkness disguised as portraits of The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies.
Male voice choirs with herds of sheep then distract the Welsh customs officials, and the contraband flags are stuffed into unmarked black SUVs, which then pelt down the A55 to England and safety.
All totally legal and above board. Remember, this is the UK not Russia, and there is no suggestion that the smugglers each carry a vial of novichok in case they are discovered.
And it will all be paid for from savings generated by cutting essential services.