PAINTING THE TOWN RED, WHITE AND BLUE: To give the country a much-needed Brexit boost, shopkeepers must now stock patriotic paint. Spirits must be kept up at all times!
Union Jack paint will remind customers that they are lucky Brits, and to take pride in their identity. Not like the unfortunate EU citizens, with their well-run economies and their woke approach to education and human rights. We are British, and the British are best!
Out will go magnolia. There will be no more white gloss (except in the completely non-racist, but… newspapers). Red, white and blue will be everywhere. Every house, every car, every item of clothing will bear Union Jack branding. Anyone not deemed patriotic enough will be forced to wear a yellow star (on a blue background).
Supermarkets will no longer offer Nectar Points, or anything similar. Instead Patriot Points will be available for anyone buying Union Jack branded goods. If you save enough points, then you will be eligible to claim your FREE Happy British Whelk!***
As usual, there are those few traitors who carp and complain.
“Nobody has even mastered the production of striped paint yet,” said an incredulous Payne Troller. “Surely this can’t be true! Not even our government is that stupid!”
Troller was removed by Priti Patel’s Thought Police, made to wear a whole 12 yellow stars on a blue background, and deported to reality.
In response, Patel herself took to the rostrum, all 5 foot nothin’ of her, in full dominatrix gear, and brandishing a cat o’ nine tails.
“Moanin’ will not be tolerated!” she screamed venomously. “You must believe! We are bringin’ in alternative arrangements, and a technological solution, and levellin’ up, and strainin’ every sinew, and you WILL buy this paint, or there will be consequences!”
Nobody dared to contradict her. She glared at her audience, cracked the whip threateningly, and clattered away angrily.
Better go and buy some paint, then.
***subject to the continued existence of a fishing fleet