CORKED : As the furore surrounding the Royal Family shows no immediate signs of abating no lesser peacemaker than the Prime Minister himself is said to be stepping in to douse the flames.
Earlier today a 10 Downing Street source spoke from an empty wine bottle littered “situation room” within the bowels of the famous old terrace to reveal how Mr Johnson will solve everyone’s problems with the Royal Family.
“He’s going to make a new royal family, and before anyone cracks any jokes along the lines of what, I thought he was busy making his own football team with as many different mothers as possible, that’s not what he means,” the source confirmed.
It’s believed the PM’s plan is focused on the one thing he truly excels at, which is emptying wine crates.
“He’s going to drink the cellar dry and then he’s going to make a new version of the Windsors fit for the 21st century out of the empty boxes.”
It’s believed he won’t just stop there, he will also ensure that the new royals are readily relatable.
“He will paint little faces on the new royals and then they will be taken on a horse drawn parade up and down Pall Mall. After the pomp and circumstance they will next appear on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.”
But don’t fear, they won’t have wooden personalities.
“By way of a unique rope and pulley system they will wave to adoring crowds just like the old ones have always done. Essentially they will be puppets. Just without any of the dodgy uncles and accusations of racism. I suspect they’ll be just as loved as the ones that are no longer fit for purpose.”
The tea towel and picture plate business is expecting a boom off the back of it. God Save The Wine (and the crates).