BORIS TRUMP : The United Kingdom’s morale will receive a welcome boost this week after a statue of Boris Johnson is installed permanently outside 10 Downing Street.
The statue will be shorter and even rounder than the gigantic statesman it honours, so as not to obscure the famous “10” on the old black door.
A private design contest was held recently, although not open to public tender, this should not affect the finished product in any way.
10 Downing Street are said to feel confident in the quality of the work as the winner is “a guy who once helped Matt Hancock with a flat bicycle tyre in the late 1980’s, and then went on to run a struggling plastic souvenir factory producing little Big Bens. The paint flakes off them if you hold them for more than ten seconds. Accusations that they are toxic are robustly disputed.”
The company which owns the plastic souvenir factory, listed at Companies House as “Plastic Patriots”, has been saved from recent financial difficulties by the money paid for the Boris statue, which is said to be “millions”.
”The core of the Boris Johnson statue will be the same low-grade but durable, non-biodegradable plastic we use in all of our souvenirs,” a spokesman for Plastic Patriots told LCD Views. “The exterior is coated in 100% iron pyrite, but the feet are made of clay.”
Spectators visiting 10 Downing Street are warned to wear sunglasses as the iron pyrite coating on the hair is “especially reflective, which symbolises the impenetrability of the mind of the man himself.”
A contract to produce miniature souvenirs of the Boris statue is expected to be awarded to the designer at a cost said to be “justifiable given the urgency with which the little false idols are required.”
Rumours that the statue will clap its hands to distract from the “realistic horseshit” it produces “like clockwork whenever the pandemic death toll tops another avoidable peak” are expected to be confirmed.
A spitfire flyover is planned for the unveiling ceremony and will conclude with a “spectacular rendition of God Save The Queen sung by the children of a newly re-opened debtors prison in the East End. We couldn’t have done this if we were still in the EU and we should all fill with a sense of false pride.”