DON’T TELL ‘EM, PIKE: Gunboat diplomacy is being elevated to another level. British Fish are being armed to prevent French fish from trespassing in British waters.
This initiative is being spearheaded by the Ministry of Defence, and personally sticklebacked by the Fish Tzar John Redwood. The scale of the operation obscures the fact that the UK actually has bigger fish to fry.
“This is a whale of a task,” explained underwater armaments consultant Mariana Trench. “”Fish are slippery and unreliable buggers at the best of times. But they tend to go around in schools, and all the schools have been closed thanks to Covid-19.”
Trench was not over-enthusiastic about the job she has been assigned to perform.
“I think that Brexit has been nailed to its perch, quite frankly,” she said in a forthright manner. “There’s plenty of Free Movement in the North Sea. Most of them don’t know if they are fish or poisson. The government is truly floundering if they think this is a good idea!”
It’s a commonly held belief that the current government has had its chips.
“Yet they carry on in this utterly shellfish manner!” exclaimed Trench, crabbily. “They have spawned a monster, and shoaled us down the river. And for what? A few inedible, unsaleable fish! I expect that they will be squids in, though.”
How will the British Fish distinguish French poisson?
“Simple, apparently they smell of garlic and drive on the right,” she carped. “Government guidelines? I think they were written by a clownfish with a Cod-given gift for dreadful puns.”
Which weapons will the fish use?
“The submarine equivalent of air rifles,” said Trench. “Water pistols.”
And how will the fish pull the trigger on their guns?
“They have already been armed,” observes Trench with sturgeon-like precision. “Now all they need is fish fingers.”