FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: A new study commissioned at the taxpayers’ expense has produced this gem. The Science now says that for children, missing school is worse than having covid-19.
LCD Views has had sight of this document. Well, in fact it looks more like the back of a fag packet. Only we can’t be sure because the writing is Cyrillic. We can, however, detect traces of cheap tobacco inside. Also inside is a humorous collectable card depicting a caricature of Ian Botham.
The stench of corruption clings to the document like stale cigarette smoke. Senior Downing Street sources admit that the price tag for this outstanding piece of work was £108m.
“Send them back to school,” reads the report. “At home they will only learn how to smoke dope and watch TikTok videos. They can’t catch the fucking virus anyway. And get those lazy teachers off their arses!”
We assume this was thoroughly peer reviewed, and that the extensive case studies and clinical evidence have only been omitted to make room for the health warning. We turned the packet over, in eager anticipation of further information. However instead we discovered a portrait of Vladimir Putin, shirtless, on a horse, striking a vaguely homoerotic pose.
And that was it. 34 words. That’s over £3m a word. Which is the going rate charged by Boris Johnson.
Clearly this is an issue that has troubled the government deeply. The economy must be forced back into action, it reasons, and for that to happen people must go back to work. And that will only happen if widespread free childcare exists. The nation’s grannies are selfishly self isolating, so instead schools must reopen.
As a side note, nobody wants the economy to improve. It is in the interests of the rich people betting on a crash, and therefore in the interests of the rest of us, for the economy to fail. But the covid crisis has forced it to fail too soon. It MUST tank around Christmas for the maximum payout. Therefore it must stutter on until it is the right time to pull the plug.
Until then, schools must provide occupational therapy for millions of children, whose life chances will be defined by algorithm in any case.
Then it’s straight back to the blame game to distract from what’s really going on. “Lazy” teachers who don’t want to work in case it makes them sick. “Leftist” teachers who indoctrinate children with the wicked dogma of fairness and equal opportunities. “Militant” unions who care more about public health than the economy.
You voted for this. All of you, especially the ones who didn’t. And don’t forget, you all knew what you were voting for. Suck it up, suckers!