SPECIAL PLEADING : The Westminster emergency services, all of them, are on standby today after the announcement that all government MPs are to undertake emergency thinking training.
A representative of the local NHS hospital, Saint Truss’s, is said to be expecting “mass casualties”, and they weren’t just referring to any future trade deals negotiated by their namesake.
“It’s not just the expected services on standby,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “police, fire department and ambulance, the SAS are also at the ready. Maritime rescue services. Land search and rescue. Anyone with a dog with a working sense of smell. The whole kit and caboodle. There’s deep fears that once Gavin Williamson misses the target and plunges head first up his backside it will become a siege situation. And let’s not get started on how anyone can expect Boris Johnson to find his backside with his own hands in the dark of a specially adapted, sensory deprivation, hiding fridge.”*
The training is a result of the unending series of cockups by all ministers in all portfolios.
“If you haven’t heard of a minister involved in a damaging furore it’s just because they’re too junior. They’re all at it. Casualties are mounting.”
But while the decision to take the crash course has been welcomed by government critics (that’s everyone who isn’t in government), there are concerns over what maybe achieved.
“That’s because the training is to be guided by an algorithm designed by friends of acting prime minister Dominic Cummings,” the source sighs, “and can you name one thing, one thing at all that he hasn’t screwed up?”
To be fair, it’s hard to accurately forecast anything with your head so far up your arse.
Finding your backside with two hands? For some in government that’s now a very hard target.
*the prime minister is understood to have long passed training in finding other people’s backsides with his own two hands.