It’s a national emergency! We need strawberries to accompany Wimbledon fortnight, as the BBC gears up to show the complete tournament from the year Andy Murray won.
There has been an appeal for fruit pickers, now that the unskilled seasonal workers from the EU have been told to fuck off for good.
This is, of course, one of the wonderful consequences of Brexit. No more free movement, and a hostile environment. There are plenty of UK nationals desperate for work. You voted for this, as the dedicated website proclaims.
Or rather, did proclaim. It crashed, since once again the government failed to anticipate the demand. A cynic might say that the website was a last minute afterthought designed to be a shop window and no more.
In fact, the ONS disclosed that a total of 17.4 million people tried to log on. This, as the government will tell you, is the entire population of the UK.
Don’t use public transport! In fact, since rural bus routes were sacrificed on the altar of profit years ago, you couldn’t catch the bus in any case. Once again, the government is advising unemployed Brits to get on their bike.
The website has been somewhat resurrected. People have been directed to farms only 300 miles from where they live. This should not be a problem, since it is now perfectly acceptable to drive a distance equivalent to that from London to Barnard Castle.
Users lucky enough to access the website discover not only the fact that their job will be at the other end of the country, but also the FAQ section. If you click on the question “How much will I be paid?” readers find themselves directed to another page. This reads, “Take it or leave it. Incidentally, any Universal Credit, pension or furlough pay you currently receive has been discontinued.”
Oddly enough, this appears to be the only part of the website that actually works properly.
Pick for Britain! Long days, hard work, low pay, poor conditions. Do your duty!