ROLL THE STONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO YOUR HOME : LCD VIEWS can report on a surprising, breaking news story today as famous figures, historical and modern, react to the call to go home and stay home during the Covid-19 crisis.
Shortly before dawn (GMT) a scruffy, woke looking bloke, in what appeared to be an old fashioned robe, took his place behind a podium in a room full of chairs, but no reporters.
The individual identified himself by pointing to a name stitched in script on the back of his robe ‘J. H. Christ’.
There was only one other individual present in the room. A man of indeterminate age who was wrapped head to toe in white sheets, as if preparing to thwart the zombie apocalypse by blending in.
His complexion was described as “pallid, with colour returning later” by experts on social media who watched the press conference live on their screens,
“People have been asking, as the pandemic sweeps the globe, ‘What would Jesus do?’,” Mr Christ begun, “well, I can tell you. After much consultation today I have taken the decision to self-isolate for the duration of the pandemic crisis.”
Mr Christ further revealed, “this has not been an easy decision. I do like to do a lot of walking of the Earth. But I believe it is vital to give medical researchers as much time as possible to get in front of the Covid-19 crisis. And I will not be alone. Lazarus will be joining me. We are going to drink a lot of wine, so long as the water supply isn’t affected. We are also going to eat a lot of bread with fish, so long as I don’t drink too much wine and eat the last remaining bread and fish at midnight in a feast.”
Mr Christ went on to explain that one of the primary motivations for the action was to not risk “contradicting that madman in the White House who asserted that ‘people are dying who have never died before’. Oh my God. I couldn’t believe. Neither could my dad.”
But while the example set is excellent, as soon as Mr Christ opened up to questions sent in via social media, what was a fairly staid press briefing steadily became chaotic.
“Y dont u heel the sick?” Badgerboy76 demanded.
“Rite move Jaysus. U too old to risk catchin it” Devote123456789 added.
Many more comments came in along these lines, before a perplexed looking Mr Christ left the podium.
“Now this is a right pickle,” he muttered, “I will go and walk among the olive trees and decide what’s the best thing to do. But I believe the first thing I will do is go and check this Trump quote at Snopes.”