PATIENT COVFEFE : US President for Life, Donald Trump, has today announced measures to make the EU his scapegoat for his bungled handling of the Covid-19 crisis.
“We’re banning all air travel from the European Union,” the orange supernova stated, “just until we can build a wall in the middle of the Atlantic. It’s going to be the greatest wall. Just the greatest. It will be a sea wall. It will be made from seas. Not many people know this, but the European Union is going to pay for it.”
But while going after the EU states, Donald Trump has excepted Ireland and the UK.
“I want to thank my servant Boris Johnson for doing his part to not show up my bunglering of this Italian flu. Delaying the UK province’s response to the crisis has given me the time I need to allow the crisis to escalate to the point where I can be a hero and act to stop it.”
Downing Street hasn’t commented on the statements from the White House yet.
“We’re waiting for our statement to be written in Washington and faxed to us,” a Downing Street source explained.
But it’s believed allowing Trump to set the pace is giving Mr Johnson more time to relax.
“We now have the best cold and flu numbers in the United States. The health sector is going to make a killing, which is in line with my attempts to gaslight a virus,” Mr Trump added, “people can still come here from the UK’s, all of them, as we all know the Coronavirus, in fact all the beer ones, can’t be transmitted by speaking English.”