I STAND BEFORE YOU JUST A MAN : OUTGOING PM BORIS ‘EVERYMAN’ JOHNSON has re-energised a flagging general election campaign today by showing the UK his sensitive side.
“He’s tweeted a Haiku,” a Downing Street source says, “Corbyn maybe able to make jam. Swinson maybe able to make waves in all directions. Sturgeon maybe planning to build a wall, but Boris is the only candidate who is prepared to reveal what keeps him up at night. And he’s done it in three lines. He’s done it by making a word salad.”
The Haiku itself is not the invention of Mr Johnson, in spite of factcheckUK claiming that the celebrity journalist, turned poundstore Trump politician, invented the form in Uxbridge in the 17th century.
“It will make everyone stop and take note,” the source continues, “you can expect a rave review from an excited Laura K. But it’s not a dead cat, even though everyone will be talking about it all day. It’s just Boris being Boris.”
And it’s no surprise the noted Oxford scholar has turned his hand to poetry and constructed the 5-7-5 poem. He’s previously been known for writing on the side of a bus and even building buses as an arts and crafts project in his spare time.
“This will be certain to widen the gulf between himself and the others. Once everyone sees that the serial adultery, the serial lying, the serial prolificacy, the inability to put a number on how many children he’s fathered, the alleged cash for favours with foreign actors and the overspend on technology lessons were all just hiding a sensitive soul, rather deep inside.”
It will be interesting to see if the other contenders for the UK’s crown now come up with their own verse.
Boris Johnson’s Haiku No 1.
Dying in a ditch
Bus passes painted riders
Jon Snow winter comes