FARKCHUCKUK : Michael Gove, ever the bastion of truth, has overturned a long held misconception today about bears. Speaking to a reporter outside a toilet block on Whackfukery Common, the Count of the Duchy of Plethora made the astonishing assertion.
“Ursos arctos, commonly referred to as the Brown Bear, simply can not shit in the woods. Even sparsely wooded land causes some degree of constipation. Bears prefer to use specially built toilet blocks, on open grassland, and with a plentiful supply of four ply toilet paper. If we just wait here, by this toilet block, sometime before it’s turned into an affordable inner-city rental for the graduate market, a bear will walk in and use it.”
Mr Gove went on to explain that the species of bear with the most efficient bowel movements is of course “Ursus maritimis, commonly referred to as the Polar Bear. The reason for this is self evident.”
And it wasn’t just the misunderstanding over the toilet habits of all species of bear that Mr Gove sought to correct.
“The British people will thank me,” Mr Gove made the unlikely assertion, “and my colleagues at factcheckUK, if we also correct a long disseminated mistruth about the Pope. He is of course a Lutheran. If there are any other misunderstandings the voters would like cleared up, I would encourage them all to type it into google and then to click on the sponsored link that appears near the top of the search. This will take them to a Conservative funded website masquerading as something else, purely in the innocent hope of deceiving the searcher. It’s about protecting our democracy from democracy. The British people have had quite enough of democracy.”
Whether or not that final assertion is fact based will likely be discovered on the 13th December.
But perhaps the British people would like to pause, before casting their ballot, to consider if the grass maybe greener on the other side of the fence to the Conservatives? There’s various meadows there to fancy, and none of them readily fertilised with the complete and utter horseshit being distributed so readily by the Conservative GE campaign.