DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.
“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”
But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.
“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”
And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.
“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”
How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.
“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”
At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.
“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”