BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.
“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”
And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.
“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”
But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?
“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”
Why not?
“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”
What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?
“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”
Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.
“We’ll be stuffing them next.”
No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.
“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”