YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH : THE HOME OFFICE has confirmed that the 2020 census will contain numerous new questions for the great British public to box tick, and one or two significant changes.
“Brexit has been added to the religions,” a Home Office minister, Mr B Affled (Tory MP for Anywhere) told LCD Views, “which is just reflecting the status it now has. You either believe in it or you’re a fifth columnist traitor who doesn’t respect the sacrifices of…I mean, you either believe in it or you’re scum. Jesus wept. It’s so hard to follow the new public discourse guidelines!”
And to make it easier for Brexit to get the ticks it deserves on the national data gathering exercise it will be top of the list of religions.
“It will also be next to all the others. So if you want to register as a Christian you’ll see a box “Christian and Brexiter”. You tick that box. You want to register as a Jedi you’ll see “Jedi and Brexiter” and so on. This will make it easier for the government to accurately report the overwhelming desire of the British people to get Brexit done. After we get it done we can worship it. Preferably through great blazing pyres of slaughtered farm animals that we can no longer export. Oh, and also human sacrifices, but, and this is important, only for the purposes of cannibalism.”
Other new questions will be added to the giant questionnaire to make sure all Global Britons have their particulars recorded. Thus ensuring an accurate snap shot of life in 2020 Brexitannia.
“The big questions will be, is parliament full of representatives chosen by the people, or is it a nest of snakes seeking to undermine the will of the people? What people’s opinions are now is what the facts are. That’s how we live in Brexitannia. That’s what matters. Oh, and by the way, climate change is a hoax. Buy gas.”