I’M GOING INSIDE I MAYBE SOME TIME : Famous British navigator and confused Foreign Secretary, Dominic “Raging Bull” Raab, has stepped out of the Tory trench today to make himself a target for sharpshooters, instead of Boris Johnson.
The welcome act of self-sacrifice will surprise many, seeing as it’s Dominic Raab, who generally prefers to sacrifice other, poorer people. People who may have temporary cash flow problems. People who maybe feminists.
“I drew Boris the map,” Mr Raab told LCD Views, sheepishly, “I’m sure it was a very good map. I used my bestest crayons and butcher’s paper with only a few stains from last week’s sacrificial lamb.”
Oh, tell us about the sacrificial lamb? Do you mean you ate lamb?
“No. We sacrificed a lamb. It’s part of the price we pay for Brexit. Brexit God hungry. Brexit God want sacrifice. I couldn’t get hold of the withering vine of financial services in time so I bought a lamb to the service. But we’re here to talk about my specialist subject. Maps.”
Okay. What colours did you use on the map?
“My favourite. Blue. Purple. And that light blue Nigel likes. I drew a good map. Any fool could follow it.”
And you drew the podium on the map? In Luxembourg?
“Yes. I drew Dover and Calais and Luxembourg. I even put a rectangle around Luxembourg. I wrote enter here. I wrote ‘Broom Cupboard’ next to it to give a point of reference.”
So why do you think Boris Johnson couldn’t follow the map?
“I drew a dragon. A big, noisy dragon shouting boo at the side of the podium so he wouldn’t go that way and get lost. The dragon was called ‘A few dozen angry British ex-pats’.”
Don’t you think you should have called them immigrants?
“No. We’re special like that. Would you like me to draw you a map?”
Thank you, but no, we prefer to know where we’re going.