GAMMON REINCARNATE – Archaeologists working at the site of that most famous of ancient disasters, Pompeii, have begun to reconstruct lost faces, frozen in time the day the volcano blew its top.
“Each frozen body is an exact recording of the person and the moment they were encased in volcanic ash,” Professor Phake Knus, forensic archaeologist, told LCD Views, “right down to their facial expressions and whether or not they were left or right handed, or in some cases, impressively ambidextrous.”
And the faces emerging after nearly 2,000 years are surprisingly familiar.
“It’s led to a bit of a debate about reincarnation amongst the team,” the professor reveals, “as this isn’t the first time. Reconstruction of Anglo-Saxon faces, using excavated skulls, from the Battle of Hastings also showed the same individuals as those we’re finding in Pompeii. I would argue it’s just inherited traits, congenital idiot-logical defects being passed down, but others are convinced it’s proof of a constant cycle of death and rebirth.”
But who are the individuals who keep popping up?
“A good example is the most recent reconstruction. The individual we know was called ‘Markus Francoisius’ who died in the catastrophe of 79 AD.”
The professor shows us a side by side of their Pompeii reconstruction and a photo of the modern Brexit Party MP, Monsieur Mark Francois. It’s indisputable. Uncanny even.
“The ancient Markus Francoisius was a lobbyist for a commercial venture arguing for the construction of residential complexes on the flanks of Mount Vesuvius,” the professor adds, “even as the mountain was smoking and giving a clear signal that a disaster was coming. We know his occupation from artefacts recovered from the toilet in his villa, where his remains were found.”
Did you recover his writing tablets?
“No. There were ancient crayon drawings found next to his remains. Interestingly, his head was in the toilet bowl. We don’t know if he placed it in there in terror, moments before the disaster destroyed his world, or if he was simply trying to get his head into his backside to feel safer, as the lava begun to flow. People often seek a familiar surrounding in times of extreme stress.”
So you’re saying Mark Francois has existed before?
“Yes and his ilk. Reconstruction of the faces from Pompeii, and Hastings, has given us not only little Mark, but exact likenesses of Kate Hoey, Jacob Rees-mogg, David Davis, well it goes on, a whole catalogue of individuals recur time and time again. Whenever there’s a disaster that was clearly signposted, but warnings intentionally ignored for selfish reasons, we find them cheerleading.”
The results of the professor’s work will shortly be on display at the British Museum. The exhibition is called “Gammon Reincarnate – faces of fools from the dawn of time” and entry is only £350m, per week.