In the wake of PM wannabe Boris Johnson’s split with girlfriend Carrie Symonds, help for his lovelife has come from an unlikely source, Donald Trump.
Speaking at a press conference last night, he said:
“I understand Boris is in a bit of trouble, so if he becomes Prime Minister I would like to offer him Melania to use as his new girlfriend.”
This move, while full of the misogyny we’ve come to expect from both parties, is still by Trump’s standards rather generous. Or so it first appeared.
He went on to say:
“One of my advisors tells me there have been rumours of a plot to asinine, uh, astrogate, uh, kill me. He suggested some people have mistaken Boris for me – which well they might, he’s a handsome guy, not as handsome as me of course but still pretty handsome, I don’t mean that in a nasty way that would upset Pence, just one straight guy complicating, uh, complaining, uh, saying something nice about another guy’s looks, you know, so I figured if someone who people say looks a bit like me is spotted with Melania, then they might assume it to be me and take their shots at him instead,
”Plus I’m hearing more rumours that Melania is only staying with me for my money, so if they get her too then she can’t get my money, oh no, I’ve made arrangements to take it with me if I die, which I won’t anyway so she can’t have it so there.”
This amounts to nothing less than the leader of the free world using one of our own politicians as a body double to foil an assassination attempt – the bald eagle has landed, if you will. It creates quite a dilemma for the patriot, unsure of where to stand, as some have expressed vocal approval at the idea of Boris’s demise but not for the benefit of Trump.
In any case, Boris’s reaction to the news was predictable:
“By golly gosh phwoar, oh yes I’ll have myself some of that, I’ll give Melania a good seeing to, you bet, she’s a bit of a hottie that one, oh yes!”
Whether Melania is a gold-digger or not, this reporter is not going to venture an opinion, but sufficing to say, if and when she does get her hands on Trump’s fortune, she will have more than earned every penny of it.