WHERE DID THEY GO : The EU has reportedly blocked all United Kingdom social media accounts today, just in case Boris Johnson becomes prime minister.
“It’s so he can’t message us,” Donald Tusk told reporters outside the EU parliament earlier today, before shrugging, “we thought it best to block him now, just in case. I’ve also told Michel to take the phone off the hook and return any mail to sender, unopened.”
While the move was expected, with the major figures in the EU already driven to exasperation by outgoing prime minister Theresa May, Mr Johnson’s supporters were doubtful the EU will stick to it.
“It’s just their opening negotiating position,” Johnny Mercer told Andrew Marr, “once they see the range of filters and emoji’s Mr Johnson is prepared to litter his messages with, I’m sure they’ll rush to unblock Boris, even if he does send them a series of johnson photos while pissed.”
The risk of the favourite to replace Theresa May sending inebriated willy pictures to senior EU figures is believed to be high, and part of the reason why he has been blocked.
“We are sorry for the remainder of British accounts who will not be able to send messages to us,” Mr Tusk sighed, “but the risk of Mr Johnson hacking someone’s account is too high.”
He did add that as soon as sanity returned to UK politics they will unblock everyone else, but Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab, Esther McVey, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg, Penny Mourdant, Rory Stewart, Iain Duncan Smith, Nigel Farage, Damian Green, Sajid Javid, Jeremy Hunt, well, the list is fairly exhaustive.
“It’s only a matter of time before Mr Johnson comes off the rails in the leadership contest and starts messaging us asking for help,” Mr Tusk told reporters, and shrugged, “well he can go whistle.”