HOLD MY BEER DAVE : THERESA MAY is no slouch. She’s already written her memoir of her time as a contender with Dave “Trotters” Cameron for Britain’s worst prime minister.
”I don’t need to spend the average yearly income on a fancy shed to write my memoirs,” a woman claiming to be the UK’s departing prime minister revealed, “I’ve already written them.”
The method employed appears to have been disarmingly simple.
”I just took all the endless vapid sloganeering of nearly three years and put them in a notepad file on my phone and sent it to the printers.”
Smart and efficient, of that there is no doubt.
”Of course I’m going to want to endlessly proof read the draft text, because I can’t help it. What font. What type size. How many words per page. Double spacing here and single spacing there. I’m going to be intimately involved. Heaven help the copy editor if they put something in italics!”
What chapter names will also be chosen in a totally hands on way.
”How I created my own hostile environment. That’s a fat chapter. Endless repetition of meaningless talking points because I treat everyone with contempt. That’s another. That’s actually been adopted as a policy by the official opposition front bench too. Something I’m proud of. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. We should call it slow but somehow endless death.”
Presumably there will be a chapter on negotiating strategies too?
”Yes. How to succeed against the meek and vulnerable. I know all about that.”
What about how to be a fall guy for a hard right, allegedly criminally compromised political enterprise?
”I’ll deal with that in the chapter titled ‘Nothing else matters but your own day to day political survival’. And let me be clear, however much money it costs, however many lives are ruined, however many jobs are needlessly lost, it’s all dealt with.”
And what’s the catchphrase for the marketing bods?
”Isn’t it obvious?”
Memoir means memoir?
”See! Who said my time in office won’t leave a lasting legacy.”
Oh it’s done that. It’s most certainly done that. We can’t wait to read your broken record, even though we’ve spent years now living it.