DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT : McDonalds have been forced to deny today that they are involved in a new water cannon scheme to fight English fascists.
The calls for clarity followed the unveiling of a milkshake firing water cannon, unveiled by a local community group dedicated to fighting toxic nationalism on the streets of England.
McDonalds didn’t contact us directly so we’ve been forced to invent a statement for them. Nothing you are about to read should be taken to be the words of that particular mega-corporation, although we hope they’d quite like them, as we suspect they’re benefiting from the association resulting from the now famous dousing of idiots with shakes.
“Let me say firstly that milkshakes, whatever their flavour, should be enjoyed responsibly,” an invented spokesman, The Nugget, said, “that said, it can’t hurt that our sales are being boosted in particular areas of England as locals prepare for little Tommy and other UKIP candidates visiting. It’s a pity the election season wasn’t longer.”
Whether or not McDonalds will begin marketing special milkshakes just for tipping over wannabe Mussolini’s is not yet clear.
“With soured milk? And out of date flavourings? Like really smelly ones that you can only hold for so long before throwing?” the spokesman asked, “no, we are not, in case someone accidentally drinks one of them instead of using it as it would be designed. All our products should be used as designed.”
The milkshake cannon scheme is expected to do well with large sums pledged to the associated crowdfunder.
“We understand people have been donating little McDonalds’ Monopoly promotion free shake coupons too. Which is really nice.”
It’s not sure how the intended targets of the scheme will respond in what could quickly become an lactose based arm’s race.
“Take out a big recyclable straw is what I’d suggest,” the spokesman shrugged, “keep that big far right mouth open as usual, insert straw and get ready to suck in aerial liquids. That way they could get a free shake and have a cheaper dry-cleaning bill?”
Plans to train a squadron of seagulls fed only on McDonald’s milkshakes, for airborne assaults on UKIP and Brexit Party candidates, are also in the pipeline. A scheme that if successful at launch, could revolutionise how people view the birds. Bullseye.