AUTOMATIC LAUNDROMAT : The 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump, aka Knuckled Brain Fart Lozenge, finally relented today and released the full and unredacted report by special counsel Robert Mueller.
Moves to delay the release of the report have been constant by POTUS and his chums, leading to speculation he’s too modest and didn’t want all the praise contained inside to be released to the world’s press.
“He’s really blushing,” an aide to the president told LCD Views, “I mean, it’s a pretty exhaustive list of his accomplishments. And a lot of attempts to excel that you’d expect from such an honest little trier. Although it’s not exhaustive. Donnie has played in so many leagues Mueller shared a lot of the investigation about with various other agencies and levels of government. This is so everyone gets their turn to applaud Trumpet.”
Another reason for the delay was concerns over its accessibility. This is why redacted chunks have been feed out slowly, to buy time, before the correct way to present the Drumpf honour roll could be settled on and actioned.
“To help people better understand the report Donald phoned up a friend to see if he could translate it into a language most people in the USA and wider world could immediately understand. So he phoned a friend in Russia. Let us be clear too, nothing has been lost in translation, but quite a lot may have been added.”
This phone call appears to have yielded solid results. The report was steadily translated into Russian and printed out in Cyrillic.
“Donald will begin reading the report out live on Twitter from tomorrow morning. There will be a lot of da, da, da’s as everyone will now agree that he’s completely innocent and only interested in bettering the lots of his fellow man.”
It’s good to have friends in high places. Da.