Wasting time is, the government has been warned, out of the question. Naturally enough, in true Brexit fashion, the Conservative Party is ignoring this advice. Instead of “getting on with it”, they are seriously considering a leadership challenge.
“We have loads of time!” explained leadership contender Doc O’Thebay. “A week is a long time in politics, and we have six whole months to sort Brexit. Theresa May has done a really bad job of doing a deal. With my long experience of making sweeping statements and fiddling expenses, I’m sure I could sort it all out in a couple of hours!”
The confidence of many Brexiters is not surprising. Their job for the last three years has been to make unspecified demands, and complain when nobody has a bloody clue what they really want. They have done this job magnificently.
“This is not wasting time,” said O’Thebay, speaking as one might to a six year old with learning difficulties. “A leadership challenge will bring fresh excitement to the process. We need a new leader, one with the gumption to knock European heads together, remind them who won the war, and force them to give us a great deal and call us ‘sir’. It’s that simple.”
A leadership challenge could take up months of indecision, canvassing, debating, voting. The Tory Party rules on this are almost as complex as a risk assessment involving small children, vicious wild animals and a cliff edge.
Contenders are many and varied. They include a man who can’t remember the nationality of his wife, a man who has no concept of the basic geography of Great Britain, and hard man Steve “I could crush a grape!” Baker.
This is a last throw of the dice. Brexit has all but fizzled out. The government has even conceded the need to hold EU elections, even if it can’t be arsed to actually contest them.
So here we are. Sittin’ on the dock of the bay, wasting time.