DIVINE INTERVENTION: LCD Views has been granted an interview today with a God, we’re not sure if it’s the God, because there’s too many of those, but given the status of any God relative to a globally British, print based, publishing superpower like ourselves and any God, we took it.
GOD : AVERT YOUR EYES!
Gary : Yes God. Why God?
GOD : You don’t question GOD!
Gary : But how can I interview you if I don’t?
GOD : Don’t be a smart ass or I’ll smite you. Now, I advise you to wear these sunglasses. Put them on and wait while I’ll set up this portable screen I carry about with me.
Gary : What is the screen for?
GOD : You don’t question GOD!
Gary : Sorry God.
GOD : It’s so you can look upon my general direction. I’ll sit behind this screen so my light doesn’t turn you to cinders while we talk.
Gary : That’s very considerate of you. What would you like to tell us?
GOD : It’s funny isn’t it?
Gary : What is?
GOD : You see the smoke rising behind the screen? That’s my smiting finger heating up! STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.
Gary : I’m used to asking questions in interviews…
GOD : Kneel before me! Make your worship clear. I am sitting on my smiting finger, but I can’t keep it under my buttocks for long! I’m not wearing my flame retardant long johns!
Gary : Should I make an offering?
GOD : More questions! But yes, leave some cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey in the bowl that is about to magically appear in front of the screen.
Gary : Maybe you’d better just make your statement and leave?
GOD : Health and safety grounds?
Gary : Yes. I want to survive to write this up.
GOD : FINE! Good suggestion mortal. I just wanted you to let the gammon know that all the English teams playing the finals of the European soccer competitions being EU27 citizens, who came here with freedom of movement, is my way of trolling the Brexiters!
Gary : Very good God. Thank you God.
GOD : Say it again.
Gary : Thank you God.
GOD : All of it!
Gary : Very good God. Thank you God.
GOD : You’re getting the hang of it. In a second you will hear a loud ‘KAPOW’ sound. That will be me leaving.
KAPOW!
Gary : God! You forgot the bowl with the offerings! God!
He isn’t listening anymore. Sigh. I’ll guess he’ll be back.