MICROSCOPIC FOCUS : LCD Views can exclusively reveal today that Professor WTF, head of electo-magneticivity research at Merry Daisy University, Herts, has used an electron microscope to find a violin small enough to play when May’s government finally falls.
”I knew it was in there somewhere,” the professor told us, “if we just looked hard enough. The problem was choosing the right research tool for the job. This was more complicated than finding a needle in a haystack. And extremely expensive. Happily disgruntled business people, former Tory donors, showed up with the cash needed.”
So it was just a matter of being able to search the micro world?
”Yes. Initially we spent £2.99 on a standard magnifying glass from a pound saver style store and the rest of the money on beer to celebrate the fall of this shambolic, vicious, human hating shitshow of a government. But we couldn’t find the violin.”
So what happened after that?
”We squinted really hard in the corners of music shops for a while, but it was no good. Still, we did purchase streamers and poppers etc while out and about, so the celebration supplies continued to accrue.”
And after that?
”Bifocals. No good. Purchased tinned hotdogs though. Then a standard microscope as you’d find in a secondary school. Zip. Only found a cello. Clearly too large. But we did make a playlist of songs for the big day.”
Whose idea was it to purchase an electron microscope for the task?
“That was done on the advice of the man selling it. It seemed good advice. And more importantly he was right.”
Congratulations.
”Thank you. We’re very pleased. But there’s going to be real difficulty playing the violin when the moment arrives?”
Because it’s so desperately tiny?
”No. Because everyone will be so busy laughing.”
That makes sense. Well done all the same. What’s next for you?
”I’m off to work out why people keep needles in haystacks to begin with. Deeply puzzling behaviour.”