The UK’s love-hate relationship with the Eurovision Song Contest has been of very long standing indeed. It’s now a decade since we last put in a respectable performance, and over two decades since we last won. So the UK is setting up its own answer, the Poundvision Song Contest.
The contest will be held permanently in the UK, and open to acts of all ages and abilities (or lack of same). Graham Norton has already signed on to present.
“It’s basically just the same thing as before,” he said at a press conference. “Just this time I’ll have to make regional stereotypes instead of national ones. You know, Essex chavs, Norfolk inbred, that sort of thing.”
We know exactly what sort of thing.
There will be one representative judge from each county, dishing out points in the same manner as Eurovision, with the usual proviso that they can’t vote for their own.
But to anyone thinking this is just xenophobia at work, foreign entries will be permitted.
Each foreign country will be permitted to submit one entrant, and the entry fee for foreigners is £350 million.
“Cheap at the price,” Nigel Farage said. Not that anyone had actually asked him for his opinion, he just felt the urge to give it. “Those damn foreigners coming over here, they should let us show them how it’s done. What great singers have ever come from Europe, eh?”
This was followed by a small earthquake, which was traced to the grave of Luciano Pavarotti, allegedly caused by the deceased tenor turning violently in it. Similar earthquakes were reported emanating from the graves of Mario Lanza, Montserrat Caballe and countless other European singing stars.
As for the reactions of the living, French singer Jean Sondamour had this to say:
“They expect us to pay a ridiculous sum to turn up to perform against a panel of biased British judges who wouldn’t give us a point if their lives depended on it? They are off their collective rocker. No country is going to pay that.”
Theresa May is reportedly demanding it as part of the Brexit negotiations. Donald Tusk has apparently described it as the biggest laugh he’s had all year.
The first Poundvision Song Contest has already been scheduled for June 23rd with an all-British lineup.