British transport tzar Chris ‘failing’ Grayling was taking no prisoners this morning (because he couldn’t locate any) after his genius wheeze to spend millions creating a traffic jam was labelled a farce.
”He ordered the lorries personally with his phone using the Deliveroo app this morning,” Mrs Knowmoore Pleeeeze, Tory MP for WTF-on-Why (junior minister, Dept Transport), told us in person, “of course he closed his phone while the screen still said ‘processing order’, but that’s no reason to expect it’s anyone’s fault in government.”
Be that as it may, the failure of the famous takeaway food delivery service to promptly deliver the scores of heavy goods vehicles required has left Grayling in the unusual position of having his competence questioned.
”It’s not great,” Mrs Pleeeeze admitted, “I added an order of bacon butties and coffee to the truck order from Imperial Chinese Takeaway. I’m famished! Standing out here next to the motorway all morning with not a bite to eat. Now I know how the other half live! Really, I just want my life back.”
But does the sham in Dover today threaten other government contingencies for No Deal situations?
”You mean like the plan to use the KFC reward points app to award people with emergency medical supplies?”
Yes, that one too.
”Or the plan to have the Duracell bunny operate a treadmill to keep electricity flowing in Northern Ireland?”
Yes.
”Or the plan to call every government minister an Uber on March 30th so they can get the hell out of No Deal dodge and away to a comfy non-exec position on the board of a hedge fund that’s successfully shorted the pound and made a killing off the back of the wilfull and knowing destruction of modern Britain?”
That one sounds all too real.
At the time of going to print Deliveroo had yet to comment, but it is believed the firm will be able to escape blame due to being a food delivery service and not a short term hire outlet for lorries and trucks.
”That didn’t stop Seaborne Freight winning the catering contract for the House of Commons,” Mrs Pleeeeze added, “ahoy me hearties! Now, let’s see how that traffic jam is coming along.”
We fear Global Britain may not see its finest hour as 2019 gets into gear and begins motoring to a total, intentional standstill.