Special Manager Jose Mourinho has vowed to move on to bigger and better things. After being sacked by Manchester United for being only moderately successful, he has set his ambitions on becoming a Special Prime Minister.
“It’s the biggest job in the world!” he claimed. “It’s the only job I’ve ever wanted, and there have been lots of them along the way!”
Mourhino believes he was born to do the job.
“I have all the necessary qualities,” boasted Mourinho. “I can be be really clear about my mixed messages, blame everyone else for my mistakes, and of course I can get you out of Europe faster than Marcus Rashford goes down under pressure in the penalty area.”
International politics requires you to be a diplomat. “I can be diplomatic!” Mourinho says. “Hostile environment? You got it, just ask Paul Pogba!”
Ah, Pogba. Why bring in a player for almost £90m, then not let him play? “It’s like being Brexit Secretary,” he explained. “Strictly a figurehead. I used to like him, until I found out he was French.”
Mourhino has no regrets. “Sometimes it is necessary to spend vast sums of money for no discernible return,” he said. “If it’s good enough for Theresa May, it’s good enough for me!”
Another footballing metaphor is relevant. “Sometimes it is good to be relegated,” Mourhino said. “Although the drop from Premier League to Fourth Division is a bit extreme! We will ditch all the expensive foreign players and rebuild using British pub league guys.”
Who will survive to play in Mourhino’s team? “May is too one-dimensional,” he said. “I’ll play Gove, he’s a slippery character. Corbyn, he’s useless but I need a left winger. Hammond, he’s old-fashioned but reliable. But I really need a whole new team!”
Just don’t forget that you will need a proper backstop.