Lead Brexiter Theresa May and Brexiter-in-waiting Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to a televised love-in. Fans of the mysteriously popular Love Island are looking forward to the encounter.
It seems that Corbyn has always been willing, but May has previously turned down the opportunity. Now, with Brexit vanishing faster than UKIP’s credibility, May has succumbed in a valiant but ultimately futile attempt at relevance.
“It’s TV gold!” gushed Love Island producer Phil Mafufu. “One is a Leaver pretending to be a Remainer, and the other is a Remainer pretending to be a Leaver. Opposites attract, and I’m banking on fireworks! We’re doing a one-off rebrand as Leave Island to make it really stick in people’s craws too!”
It’s almost guaranteed. Judging by Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn gets hot and passionate once a week, and both leave the chamber fully satisfied.
There are some parameters to restrict their activity, as Mafufu explains. “Anything to do with the general public is off the table,” he said. “Both have indicated their unwillingness to be voted off the show. Corbyn wants a chance to be on top for a change. But May, whose U-turns were once legendary, now refuses to contemplate a change in her position.”
Normally an audience participation and elimination show has a limited shelf life, but this gambit changes everything.
“This show could run forever!” claims Mafufu. “Our viewers love the cut and thrust, the ins and outs, the constant striving for a climactic ending which never quite seems to happen. Well, they are both getting on a bit now.”
The only problem is the ratings. Who wants to watch a haggard old woman and a wrinkled old man going through the same old, tired, motions, week in, week out? Leave/Love Island is, as usual, promoting a series of big bangs and delivering a damp squib.
In her anxiety to get over the finishing line by any means possible, May has had to resort to extreme measures. Corbyn isn’t helping by keeping his mouth closed instead of putting her out of her misery.
Hopefully it will all end in an explosive anti-climax.