One of the unexpected bonuses of Brexit is the opportunity to fund, design and build a GPS system from scratch. Obviously, the EU will not be able to access it, so it will operate in the timeless void that is Boris Johnson’s head.
Initial designs seen by LCD Views indicate that UK Galileo will operate by clockwork and be calibrated in Imperial units. The construction process is top secret, but GCHQ has already stockpiled quantities of timber and nails.
The British project has already been named the Hoyle Project, in honour of plucky British scientist Sir Fred Hoyle. Hoyle always tried hard, but so often got it wrong.
Technology expert Dick Klever was on hand to unravel the mysteries of the project. “Already we can see the Britishness of the project,” claims Klever. “English oak, nails made in Birmingham, Sheffield steel, and a large selection of pies.”
Ignoring the fact that nails haven’t been made in Birmingham for many years, what’s the deal with sending pasties into space?
“That’s the really good bit!” exclaims Klever. “We will send pies into the sky for real.”
That makes perfect sense, but why do the designs show that the finished product will be arch-shaped?
“The Hoyle project aims to bridge the gap between Johnson’s ears, and also, more ambitiously, the gap between Brexiter fantasy and cold hard facts,” explained Klever. “Also, there is a potato-shaped section, named the Bridgen bridge. It forms a Bridgen over untroubled thought.”
But surely, there is not much physical space between Boris Johnson’s ears?
“It’s like the TARDIS,” said Klever patiently. “There’s an almost infinite void inside, augmented by the so-called Bridgen Area. Hoyle should transmit impractical, elevated concepts into the blond receptor for many years to come.”
The only stumbling block is the difficulty of finding a half-decent carpenter who has not found work by jumping a queue.