A shocking leak suggests that Brexit, like Christmas, is cancelled. Michel Barnier and Theresa May have collaborated on the diabolical con. May will then present her “deal” as a perfect Brexit.
Maintaining the Status Quo will both satisfy all of May’s red lines, and ensure a steady stream of cheerful three-chord boogie songs for the foreseeable future.
Illusionist Picker Card was on hand to unpick this crafty sleight-of-hand.
“It’s just like magic!” exclaimed Card. “The whole problem is solved in one easy step. If enough of your audience believe their eyes, then facts don’t matter. Who cares that the rabbit you apparently pulled from the hat was, in fact, concealed in a secret compartment? People want to believe.”
This non-Brexit deal is one hell of a rabbit, though. But it makes perfect sense. Enough people want Brexit to happen, and will believe whatever suits their narrative. So tell them that Brexit has happened, and was a roaring success, and we have the deal we wanted, and Brexiters will celebrate.
Surely, though, there will be some who smell a rat? “Smelling a rat is better than having to eat one,” commented cynical commentator Doug Deeply. “If pulling the wool over people’s eyes is the best way forward, then so be it. After all, that has always been the way the whole pro-Brexit campaign operates.”
There remains the problem of forcing the non-deal through parliament. “No problem!” asserts Deeply. “May will tell parliament that she has the deal, and that the EU has capitulated and given us everything we wanted. Everyone will be so relieved that they won’t bother to read the document, just vote the deal through and go home.”
If something is too good to be true, it probably is. But in modern politics you go on gut feeling, not facts. So by the time anyone discovers that Brexit means remaining in the EU, and that they didn’t know what they were voting for, it will be too late.
Now give us our blue passports and let’s get on with life.