The most famous pig’s head in British politics has given a rare interview today to assert it will stand against David Cameron should he launch any re-election comeback bid.
”I don’t mind admitting I’m still a little bitter,” Pork Scratchings told us in an exclusive interview conducted near the Bullingdon Club headquarters, just for the vibe, “I believed Dave when he told me we were always going to be together, and one day even, medical science would provide me with a body. And then we could get married.”
Well that was all a sham.
”Well that was all a lie. He was using me to impress the other boys.”
So your motivation for standing for election in any seat bored shitless, shepherd’s hut David decides to go for is a long standing wound of unrequited love?
”Excuse me?” Pork Scratchings looked well oinked, “do I look like I haven’t gotten on with my life? You think Britain’s laziest PM is that good a shag?”
Well, he did fuck the entire U.K., so…
”That. That there is my motivation.”
Jealousy is what is driving you?
”You haven’t done your research, have you? I was assured you were a professional outfit.”
Well, it’s a little hard to research an unsubstantiated rumour put about to make David Cameron a laughing stock by Boris Johnson, presumably.
”I’m not some cheap device utilised to draw on the lowest common denominator perception that all rich people are sexual perverts.”
Well, what are you then?
”I’m a serious Tory party candidate for Westminster. Just look what happens when you smash some lipstick on me and put me in a safe seat. I am not just some easy ride.”
Thats not what Dave says…
”Don’t ever call me for an interview again. I’ve a country to save.”