Blackpool is bracing for an exciting short term future after a large sea monster appeared off the coast on Monday.
“Shortly after breakfast, but before morning tea break on Monday, a large lizard rose out of the sea and began shouting obscenities at the town of Blackpool,” our large sea monster correspondent, Mr Magoo, reports, “at first it seemed the gigantic lizard was drunk and trying to get directions back to the Sea of Japan, but it soon became clear it was after other matters when it didn’t order an Uber.”
People standing on the famous seafront, and some running away screaming, reported the sea monster was more legible in its speech than it appeared at first.
”After it had cleared its throat it was quite civil really,” Doris, up for the day and present at the time commented, “mostly he was about getting the fcuking fracking stopped. You know, the environmentalists in government have encouraged their chums to smash endocrine destroying chemicals into the water table in Lancashire so they can make a quick buck before we all die from climate change. Which is nice, to look after your friends in business like that.”
But a spokesman for Environmental Secretary Michael Gove’s office was having none of it.
”It’s not the fracking that’s causing all the fracking earthquakes,” the spokesman said, “it’s the bloody hippies jumping up and down in protest what’s doing it. We’re going to arrest the lot so modern Britain can go on being part of the race to the bottom in all notable categories. Like the sea. Our good friends in Cuadrilla are very distressed to be blamed when it’s clearly nothing whatsoever to do with blasting the shit under pressure out of the rocks in the ground.”
The sea monster is expected to make land later today. Michael Gove is expected to accompany the owners of Cuadrilla in running far, far away.