Andrew Bridgen MP to be replaced by cheese sandwich

Andrew Bridgen MP (NW Brexitshire) is to be replaced as an MP after a recent broadcast interview in which he confusingly claimed he could be king of Ireland if he pleased.

“Because I’m an Englishman,” Mr Bridgen asserted, “and English men are the natural rulers of Irish men.”

Whether or not Mr Bridgen is also the natural ruler of Irish women he is yet to confirm, but the staggering assertion has led to the triggering of a little known parliamentary instrument called “cheddar powers”.

“Cheddar powers are only ever triggered when a sitting MP proves himself far less intelligent than a cheese sandwich,” John Bercow MP, Speaker HoC told LCD, shortly before fending off the latest Conservative Party attempt to oust him because he tells them off sometimes.

“So Mr Bridgen will be replaced by a cheese sandwich,” Mr Bercow continued, “by chance it’s made of Irish cheddar. This will probably rub a bit of salt in the wound for Mr Bridgen (here Mr Bercow fell off his chair laughing. We waited for him to climb back on to carry on) and so while Andrew “thick as mince like all ERG” Bridgen can’t claim an Irish passport, the cheddar sandwich that replaces him can and potentially thus become King of Ireland. But only after its reunification in a year or two thanks to the efforts of idiots like Bridgen. It’s all very straightforward. One would have thought Bridgen would have understood the rules of cheddar.”

And so the stellar parliamentary career of the hard right ERG boofhead Mr Bridgen draws to a sudden close and the career of a sandwich begins.

We will miss Mr Bridgen for all his work. The highlight of which was organising the parliamentary rebellion that stopped British military intervention in Syria in 2013, and thus arguably helped allow an entire catalogue of genocide to play out more forcefully than it may otherwise have, oh and also allowed that cheerful Russian chap his way back onto the world stage to wage merry havoc all over and puts us all back at risk of WW3. Well done Mr Bridgen. You must be proud.

But all is not lost. A colleague has a new venture for Andrew.

“I’m going to rebuild him as a proper bridge,” Boris Johnson took a break from bonking young blondes to tell us, “And re-name him Adraw Bridge-n. Whacko! Woof!”

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