The Irish border. That pesky Red Line. One of the biggest sticking points in the Brexit negotiations. The harder the Brexit, the harder the border. So how can you have an Irish border that is both there and not there? Simple. You redraw it as a broken line.
All sides insist that the border must remain open and frictionless. But any Brexit worthy of the name necessarily includes a land border between the UK and the EU. So the border must be both there and not there. You might say it’s neither here or there, but it’s most definitely there.
The solution came from an unlikely source. Physical geographer Dr Shannon Estuary explains. “All borders are artificial, to some extent,” she said. “In many cases, they are simply red lines drawn on to a map, often in an arbitrary manner. The British are past masters at drawing borders. To stop the red line becoming an obstacle, you can simply rub bits out and leave a dotted line.”
Dr Estuary clarifies how neat this solution is. “It means you can have a hard border where you want it to be hard, and frictionless transit in between!” she boasted. “A solution Boris Johnson himself would be proud of.”
It would give the border a whole new look, she emphasised. “It would mean a shake-up,” she said. “The border would wiggle up and down like a snake. It would be above ground in some places, below in others, but most definitely present throughout its whole length!”
Construction would be problematic, she concedes. “However, since the UK is so determined to kick out unskilled European tradesmen, the Republic would have to take them in, and make them build the dotted border,” she said. “We wouldn’t need to pay them, call it a thank-you for allowing them to scrounge off us for so long.”
So long, and thanks for all the bricks.