“The ECB has already set aside the £120M as part of its emergency financial aid contingency for all things Brexit,” Gavin Williamson, the smallest man in a government of exceptionally small men, told LCD Views, “because they need to give us their money more than we need them.”
Quite why the English Cricket Board has been tasked with securing funding for the Brexit festival in 2022 isn’t clear, but we assume it’s patriotism.
“THEY DIDNAE HAVE A CHOICE!” Williamson explained, calmly, trying on an accent, “I said you give us the funding fanny boy or I’ll go feckin’ Begbie on ya.”
He also has a spider. It’s in a box.
”I also have a spider. It’s too dangerous for me to touch so I KEEP IT IN A BOX.”
That makes him hard.
”It gets me HARD.”
Proper timber.
We took these revelations to the EU to see what they made of them.
”It’s the kind of plucky, self reliance we expect from a Global Britain,” Donald Tusk responded on behalf of the EU27, “but just to be sure we are already setting aside a bail out fund.”
So the EU will pay for the Brexit festival even if the ECB can’t?
”We are going to have our own Brexit festival,” Tusk smiled, “and we’re not waiting for the one hundred year celebration of the partition of the island of Ireland to do it. We’re holding it on the 1st April 2019.”
But why the rush, it’s unseemly, it undermines your negotiating hand at a crucial stage.
”We’ve a lot to celebrate.”
What?
”Finally, all those fascist English Tories and deluded Lexiters stuck in their time warp will have had to f c u k off.”