No Deal Brexit risks dead killed by austerity rising and walking again, warns undertaker

“A No Deal Brexit risks the dead killed by austerity rising and walking again,” warned Phillip Hammer Them Hammond, UK’s head undertaker, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views today.

”We didn’t drive people mad, sad and bad with eight years of punish the poor, right wing, misguided financial punishment, so we didn’t have to go after our friends the casino bankers and tax dodgers,  just to ruin it all now by turning the people we drove into an early grave into a battalion of Lazarus.”

The Undertaker paused, smiled, perhaps wistfully for the early years.

”I remember how my heart sang when George Osborne began shaming the poor, the unemployed, the curtain twitchers. Let’s give them communal shame. That’ll improve the stats.”

He suddenly cupped his hands, as if waiting to catch rain drops.

”The bedroom tax was a master stroke. People with more spare rooms than they could count on both hands taking away box rooms from families in social housing. Just evil genius. Got to clear the slums so you can gentrify and sell untapped inner London suburbs to overseas investors. Think of the short term gains!”

He rubbed his hands over his face. Supplication before an inner God.

”And inheritance millionaires privatising alcohol and drug rehabilitation services. Every misery now an avenue to funnel wealth from the needy to the hidden coffers of the wealthy. It was orgiastic. Dance for your God! Dance!”

But now?

”Now the spectre of a No Deal Brexit risks all of this. The overgrown mounds on the graves of the people we’ve destroyed with ATOS and universal credit opening with hands from in the earth, the spiralling ash clouds from the incendiary cremation fires, spinning in reverse from the sky and reforming the unwanted we drove out, all of them to walk again because of a No Deal Brexit.”

It will not do.

“It will not do. You don’t do all that to transfer wealth up in a flood, not a trickle, just to watch Brexit capital flight ruin my beautiful tables of numbers. No Deal Brexit risks us having to raise a penny of tax on wealth to fund MPs next payraises.”

It will not do!

”It will not do,” he shook his head and made a wringing motion with his hands as if throttling a dread.

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