The lack of opposition from Her Majesty’s Opposition had been explained. The leader of the opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, has been replaced by a cardboard cutout. It appears that the world has only just realised this.
Opposition means opposition, which in this instance means opposition in name only. How long has this state of affairs persisted? Nobody, not even the cardboard cutout himself, knows.
Somewhere in genteel suburban London, an old, white-bearded man was patiently digging in his allotment. “Potatoes!” said the old man proudly. “Grown by the honest sweat and toil of the proletariat. I am going to stockpile them to get me through the winter, which of course begins next March.”
Meanwhile the cutout has been busy doing nothing. It has attended briefings, meetings and parliamentary sessions. It has said and done nothing, and as usual this has passed without anybody noticing.
LCD Views was unable to secure an interview with the cutout (it had too much paperwork to do), but did manage to speak to its deputy, a cypher named Steer Calmer.
“The Labour Party has been shadowing the Tories for a long time,” explained Calmer. “That’s where the name Shadow Minister comes from. We have adapted one of their democratic slogans for our own use: ‘No opposition is better than a bad opposition’. That sums up our position perfectly.”
We suggested that parroting empty slogans is hardly an effective strategy.
“We must respect the slogan!” Calmer insisted. “Slogan means slogan. Otherwise we cease to be a democracy.”
What is your take on the fact that your party is being led by a piece of cardboard?
“It was a democratic decision which can never, ever be reversed,” replied Calmer.
Calmer suddenly went rigid. An automatic update had kicked in. He began to chant mechanically: “Chequers or No Deal… Chequers or No Deal…”
Corbyn – heavyweight or paperweight? Toppling him should be a breeze.