Woman says she will not rest until every British child lives in poverty

Theresa May has made a groundbreaking speech today in which she outlined her vision for the future of British childhood.

“Poverty,” she said, while flanked by dozens of Dalmatian dogs and wearing a striking black and white overcoat,

“gruelling, humiliating poverty. No child left behind. But, and this is important to note, the children of pound shorting, predatory, disaster capitalists will have been bought burgundy passports and so will not be counted as British children for the purposes of poverty line statistics.”

It’s believed the speech was given to show leadership. To provide clarity for people who mistakenly feel the British ship of state is rudderless.

”Brexit is our rudder,” Ms May put everyone straight, to the fawning nods of Nick Robinson, Andrew Marr and other BBC journalists so well off from the public purse, so encrusted with intellectual laziness, so entrenched in unconscious bias, they are prepared to validate the clear and complete disasterous crap Ms May’s administration produces day in and day out.

”And with Brexit as our rudder we can steer the once mighty ship Britannia into every clearly avoidable obstacle on the seas of statecraft until we’re wrecked. Then my party donors can be the wreckers and salvage the valuables.”

As to what to do with the children of Britain once they are all in grinding poverty?

”Who cares?” Ms May smiled, “seriously, who cares? Are there not still skips? Are there not gutters to search? Are there not laughs to be had watching them in morally bankrupt reality shows being humiliated for scraps?”

As to when the target of every British child living in poverty will be reached?

”That’s not entirely clear,” Ms May shrugged, “although daily we make progress. And thanks to the cross party coalition with Labour to deliver Brexit, it’s highly likely beyond March 29th next year we will be withIn grasp of our target.”

It’s good to have leadership.