The government is planning to set up a specialist military task force to retrieve iconic British “intellectual property” which has “migrated” to Europe having been bought up by foreign multinationals, according to a new Brexit white paper published Friday.
The new inter-service task force of specially trained officers from the SAS and RAF will operate under cover on the European mainland, tracking down and identifying iconic formerly British brands, before kidnapping them and returning them to their rightful homes.
High on the list of potential targets is HP Sauce, manufactured to a secret family recipe in the dimly lit cellars of the Houses of Parliament for over 100 years before being kidnapped by American corporate raiders Heinz, who moved production to darkest Lithuania.
Equally high on the list is children’s construction toy, Meccano, invented in Liverpool, where it was produced in the same factory for over three centuries, but now lies cruelly exiled in Calais, France.
“We’re hoping the company will have sufficient stock to enable us construct a bridge across the channel, back to the UK where it can be re-assembled,” whispered a long haired, masked official in camouflage fatigues, sounding remarkably like Toy Stories and The Reassembler presenter James May.
Also targeted is Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate, kidnapped by American global mega giant Kraft Foods (now Montezuma International) in 2010.
This wholly (wholly hazelnut, ooomph) British confectionary was first stripped of its traditional British apostrophe, and then (Freddo) frog marched across Europe to new factory in Poland where the traditional recipe was dropped in favour of one based on lard, bat saliva and left over Soviet era brown boot polish.
“None of this will be easy, but if these three raids succeed we may go ahead with what promises to be the toughest challenge of all ” a government official told LCD Views.
Namely, the retrieval of that most British of spreads, Marmite, manufactured in Belgium since 1987 when the Thatcher government’s decimation of the British mining industry forced the closure of the last traditional steam powered Marmite mine in Burton on Trent.
“Love it or hate it, we have to retake it,” he explained, saluting.
Also included in the white paper are plans for a special task force to oversee the return to the British high street names like Woolworths, British Home Stores, and Timothy Whites.
“Of course they won’t actually be selling anything though,” the official said adding;
“Our bosses at Amazon would never allow us to do that.”