Brexit Industries newfangled life jackets have been withdrawn from sale after the shock discovery that the major component used in their manufacture is concrete. And it doesn’t float.
”Who would have thought that? No one warned us. It was a total blindside,” deputy head of development, Ill Heath and Unsafe Department, Kate Hoey told LCD Views, “the first person to strap on a Brexit life jacket in an emergency just vanished into the deep.”
But Kate and her team aren’t willing to give up yet.
”The concrete used to weight down the life jackets, in the pockets normally reserved for flotation devices, was really cheap. We will keep using it until it floats. Head of Procurement and Most Likely Fraud, Arron, got dozens of containers of it delivered to our top secret lab on the Isle of Mann. Who won’t say who he got it off, but he’s a Brexiter, so I trust him. We’re not just going to throw it away when we can keep sewing it into jackets for British seafarers and holidaymakers to wear.”
And Brexit Industries have received support from the top echelons of government.
”It’s the red tape imposed on British manufacturers from the killjoys in Brussels,” Dominic Raab, a piece of meat which barely seems capable of rational thought, told us from the freezer section of DExEU, “any swimmer can easily stay afloat in the roughest of seas with the right amount of vim and vigour in their frantic splashing about.”
In the interim British people taking to the seas in potentially life threatening situations are advised to use jackets developed with actually staying afloat in mind.
”It’s taking all the adventure out of boating,” Kate bemoaned, “and we’d just developed a matching pair of concrete shoes to go with the jackets too.”