Brexit is not going terribly well. But now we know why. According to experts, who, coincidentally, are also pro-Brexit MPs, it is because we are not paying them enough.
Leading Brexiteer Sir Sendham Holme MP was adamant. “All these trips to the continent cost money,” he bluffed. “Last time, I had to slum it in a four-star hotel and drink non-vintage champagne. How anyone thinks we can negotiate a successful deal under these conditions is quite beyond me.”
“It’s totally unacceptable,” agrees Sir Rich Liszt MP. “My latest trip to Brussels to bang some bloody sense into their thick skulls would have gone so much better if only I had not been flying economy class and they had provided me with a limo. And there’s even a fountain there that pisses on us, like the EU pisses on our economy!”
Their arch-druid Jacob Rees-Mogg remains tight-lipped, on nanny’s orders, although he is understood to be upset about travel expenses now the EU has forced him to move his business over there.
The chairman of the Expenses (And Other Such Shit) Committee, Sir Titan D. Pursestrings, was not amused. “MPs are already paid in excess of £70,000 a year,” he confirmed. “In addition, some, like Sir Sendham and Sir Rich, have vast personal fortunes, and treat their MP’s salary as pocket money. This committee is committed to commission commensurate compensation if an MP is seriously out of pocket in the line of his duties. However, since these chancers voted for Brexit and are doing no other work than schmoozing around Europe, they can get stuffed!”
During the course of this statement, Sir Titan was relieved of his duties, denounced as a traitor in the Daily Mail, and replaced by Sir Finn Gersinthetill.
What price Brexit? Even if we, as a country, hand over all our assets and revenues, it will surely be worth it. If only for our loyal avaricious MPs.