The flaccid and ineffectual performance of the UK government is the result of doping, according to the NHS. MPs of all parties have overdosed on testosterone.
“It’s down to the huge amounts of bollocks,” explained senior consultant Paris Ettamol. “Effectively they’ve drugged themselves. They have swallowed the bollocks uncritically, and the surplus testosterone has led to many surprisingly limp showings.”
But the bollocks has been disseminated widely, through the press, broadcast and social media. Is there any risk to the public?
“It leads directly to fascism,” declared Dr Ettamol. “It’s too much of a good thing. Many men, having suffered flop after flop, get angry. They take out their impotent rage upon blameless, virile, incomers.”
What about women? What effect does the testosterone have on them?
“Look at the rise of women in prominent positions,” Dr Ettamol remarked. “May, Sturgeon, Foster. That bearded lady who won Eurovision, and many more, myself included. It’s unfortunate that I need to shave daily, though.”
There was a scandal, once, about oestrogen in the water supply. Doesn’t the testosterone cancel it out?
“Not at all,” countered Dr Ettamol. “Both have a positive impact upon women, but a negative impact upon men. Women have gained equal rights, equal pay, control over their bodies. What have men gained? Moobs!”
“Men are Goldilocks creatures,” she continued. “The balance must be just right for them to be able to perform properly. This is why our male politicians have, almost universally, refused to stand up and be counted.”
Is doping a feminist conspiracy, then?
“No, just a cock-up,” she replied, sadly.
The official position is that there is no problem, but if there were, it would be the EU’s fault.
Dr Ettamol has some more constructive advice. “Don’t let the bollocks get you down. Never mind the bollocks. Man up, if you still can.”
No wonder Viagra is now available over the counter.